Just to give you a little more background into who I am. I am one of those people who really relate to music in a very personal way...when i hear a song that i like i just don't only like it but i associate it with moments in time, moments that capture a particularly memory I want to keep of my life. One of those most current songs is Secrets by One Republic...check out what it means to me...
I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kinda boring
Need something that I can confess
Til' all my sleeves are stained red
From all the truth that I've said
Come by it honestly I swear
Thought you saw me wink, no
I've been on the brink, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
My god, amazing how we got this far
It's like we're chasing all those stars
Who's driving shiny big black cars
And everyday I see the news
All the problems that we could solve
And when a situation rises
Just write it into an album
Singing straight, too cold
I don't really like my flow, no, so
Tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
Oh, got no reason, got not shame
Got no family I can blame
Just don't let me disappear
I'mma tell you everything
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
So tell me what you want to hear
Something that were like those years
Sick of all the insincere
So I'm gonna give all my secrets away
This time, don't need another perfect line
Don't care if critics never jump in line
I'm gonna give all my secrets away
All my secrets away, All my secrets away
A couple of days ago I got a txt from my bf with a message that was not meant for me. When I inquired about who the message was intended for he responded vaguely and said "a friend from Orlando"...its no surprise to me that my bf doesn't always tell me every single detail of his life but for the first time after seeing the message i realized he keeps secrets. This song reminds me of a time long ago when my immaturity made me weak and in so it made me a person i didn't want to be. Someone who lied not only to benefit herself but to try and not hurt the ones she loved the most. I kept Secrets. After learning from my mistakes i said i would never do this in any other relationship i would ever be in, and till this day I have kept that promise to myself. The problem is now the table has been turned on me and I am lost. The moment i saw that txt my heart fell to the ground, thought of him cheating on me or tearing my heart apart. I needed to take a step back and trust him. I needed to realize he has friends and its ok for him to go meet with them without me. Simply because we think a certain way and knowing that I for one would not go anywhere else without telling him, he is not me and this is one of those secrets that most likely is harmless, and my mind is merely playing a sick game with me. Sometimes we tend to over analyze and dramatize the simplest things because our lives are boring like the songs says. Well for the most part mine is lol...but i thrive on the happy moments so there is no longer that need for secrets and lies to make my life thrilling. I have enough drama lol...the other aspect of the song is that it basically tells people tell me what you want to hear, anyone who knows me knows I am literally and open book...so if you have a question simply ask it...you wont get a lie and I will def tell you a ll my secrets until my sleeve stains red. It is important to reflect and not jump to conclusions when we are faced with a situation that takes us out of our day to day mind set. So ask away no secrets here =)
Monday, August 9, 2010
"HE"
Disclaimer: I actually wrote this a while back but never posted so enjoy…
It’s been months since the last time I have written something. I guess if I look at my myspace page I ll see the last blog I wrote but, if memory serves me correctly the last time I wrote was right before “HE” asked me to be his girlfriend, right around March 28th 2008, one of the happiest moments of my life. People always argue that when happy moments happen they wont ever be your last, life if full of ups and downs. I can honestly say they are right except the sad part is that when you are extremely happy you know better to prepare yourself because sadness and tragedy aren’t far behind. All things end they say, it’s inherent in our genes seeing as we all die. I am hopelessly romantic enough to believe that death is not the final ending but that perhaps something far more magnificent awaits us. It always intrigues me to realize I only start to write when my soul feels a gaping whole, as if words on a page could somehow fill what can only be fixed by unconditional love. It’s always so difficult to write because the moment my fingers touch the keyboard I feel a rush of emotions that brings a flood of tears to my face. I was home last night watching movies, an ordinary night like any other but nights I enjoy simply doing the most simple things, only one key element was missing, the “HE” in my heart. It’s so hard to breath sometimes, even harder to move or think or fake a smile so that people don’t think your going mad and somehow you’re still human. I can sit all day playing every memory over and over in my mind and asking myself why? But the answer never comes. Instantly you wish you where a mind reader so that you could just take a peak and try to understand why “HE” doesn’t feel what you feel. It’s funny to me how often times characters in movies or even TV shows portray this sense of belonging together, this ultimate soul mate compatibility as if in some cosmic way your souls where meant to meet and live in this eternal love for one another. The best portrayal of this to me is the dynamic displayed by the main characters in the popular TV show "Bones". Though they are simply and un-complicatedly friends and partners of work they love, respect, and honor each other as though a greater bond existed. People always say it’s just a movie, its just TV, not real, but all these things come from one or a collective set of minds, human minds that feel and think and breathe; real people. If we as creative creature can make it real on a TV screen how can we not in real life? We’d be naive to say true love, or even eternal love, or even soul mates don’t exist. Why is it in real life we see more one-sided love than we do mutual love?…I am currently reading this novel about a young woman my age, who though she is a fictional character in a book is going threw many of the same life experiences I currently am or have had in the past. One particular quote caught my attentions as I read…”Don’t you see that, you stupid girl? You could spend your whole life hoping and believing! If a love affair is one-sided, then it’s only ever a question, never an answer. You can’t live your life waiting for an answer.” Now, simply reading this quote you may deduce that this person is trying to make her friend wake up and smell the roses; he’s just not that into you, right. But there is much more depth to this quote, for in it you can also sense a great pain in the person who said it, why you may ask, because she too fell in love with a man who for whatever reason was unable to return his feelings for her. Now what interests me about the quote so much is that people/friends tend to advise their broken hearted pals to simply walk away forget about him, he isn’t good for you, he doesn’t love you. But what they don’t stop to think about is what their friend really feels. The woman who made this quote went on to live her life as she advised her friend years after but she was never as happy as when “HE” was with her. She spent her life trying to bury those feelings in a life of partying, gambling, men and recreation. No one ever stops to think the feeling is real, so real it consumes you whether you wish to move on or not, it changes you, it affects you, and you are never ever the same after. Sure people will argue this is okay because something or someone better will come along but what if you don’t want someone else what if you can’t feel with someone else what you felt for “HIM” I wont lie and say I have only been in love once in my life but each time felt different and happened in different stages of my life. I have always been the type of person who never opens her heart unless she feels this person is worth taking that risk for. Each time I lend my heart to someone it gets harder and harder to keep taking it back. Each time feels more devastating than the last. I have loved four times in all my 27 years and I guess you can say that’s not bad considering some never find one. Unfortunately I am not more fortunate than someone who has never loved, for the times I have loved neither has loved me back, or I myself came to the realization that what I felt was not real love. Maybe what I am feeling now is my inability to want to let go. My brain says one thing but my heart disagrees. I have never had this conflict before. In the past it’s been quite simple. The first moved on to better pastures, the second wanted money and success more than love, and the third simply didn’t love at all. The fourth has hurt me beyond measure but not in the way that would make me want to forget him, in the way that my brain says he doesn’t want or love me the way I love him while my heart says he’s the “ONE” but simply isn’t ready to give you his whole heart. Never have I ever had this internal conflict about a man. It’s been easy in the past to turn and never look back. Which takes me back to the quote from the book, what’s wrong with waiting for that answer even if you die waiting? Not finding love again or being with another man again doesn’t mean you’ll never be happy again. There is more to life to be happy about than just being with someone. I don’t feel capable of ever loving another as much as I do “HIM”. It’s been a year and half since I met him and a month since we were bf/gf and still every time I see him he literally takes my breath away. My heart pounds and all I can think about is his embrace, his lips, his smile. I am in love with him still. Even after all the pain, all the crying, all the loneliness, that has come only in the times I couldn’t say he was mine or that he wasn’t a foot away from me, I am still hopelessly, madly, rationally in love with “HIM”. The thought or sight of even trying to be with someone else repulses me. I can’t even bare myself to go out with male friends, something I accustomed doing before as if it where part of a normal daily routine. I know there will come a day when life will seem less complicated and normal again; I need to figure out how to get back to better days, alone. Maybe life has something special in store for me maybe not, what matters is that I keep living my life and trying to find happiness in simplicity which is what I have known all along to make me the happiest.
-THE END-
It’s been months since the last time I have written something. I guess if I look at my myspace page I ll see the last blog I wrote but, if memory serves me correctly the last time I wrote was right before “HE” asked me to be his girlfriend, right around March 28th 2008, one of the happiest moments of my life. People always argue that when happy moments happen they wont ever be your last, life if full of ups and downs. I can honestly say they are right except the sad part is that when you are extremely happy you know better to prepare yourself because sadness and tragedy aren’t far behind. All things end they say, it’s inherent in our genes seeing as we all die. I am hopelessly romantic enough to believe that death is not the final ending but that perhaps something far more magnificent awaits us. It always intrigues me to realize I only start to write when my soul feels a gaping whole, as if words on a page could somehow fill what can only be fixed by unconditional love. It’s always so difficult to write because the moment my fingers touch the keyboard I feel a rush of emotions that brings a flood of tears to my face. I was home last night watching movies, an ordinary night like any other but nights I enjoy simply doing the most simple things, only one key element was missing, the “HE” in my heart. It’s so hard to breath sometimes, even harder to move or think or fake a smile so that people don’t think your going mad and somehow you’re still human. I can sit all day playing every memory over and over in my mind and asking myself why? But the answer never comes. Instantly you wish you where a mind reader so that you could just take a peak and try to understand why “HE” doesn’t feel what you feel. It’s funny to me how often times characters in movies or even TV shows portray this sense of belonging together, this ultimate soul mate compatibility as if in some cosmic way your souls where meant to meet and live in this eternal love for one another. The best portrayal of this to me is the dynamic displayed by the main characters in the popular TV show "Bones". Though they are simply and un-complicatedly friends and partners of work they love, respect, and honor each other as though a greater bond existed. People always say it’s just a movie, its just TV, not real, but all these things come from one or a collective set of minds, human minds that feel and think and breathe; real people. If we as creative creature can make it real on a TV screen how can we not in real life? We’d be naive to say true love, or even eternal love, or even soul mates don’t exist. Why is it in real life we see more one-sided love than we do mutual love?…I am currently reading this novel about a young woman my age, who though she is a fictional character in a book is going threw many of the same life experiences I currently am or have had in the past. One particular quote caught my attentions as I read…”Don’t you see that, you stupid girl? You could spend your whole life hoping and believing! If a love affair is one-sided, then it’s only ever a question, never an answer. You can’t live your life waiting for an answer.” Now, simply reading this quote you may deduce that this person is trying to make her friend wake up and smell the roses; he’s just not that into you, right. But there is much more depth to this quote, for in it you can also sense a great pain in the person who said it, why you may ask, because she too fell in love with a man who for whatever reason was unable to return his feelings for her. Now what interests me about the quote so much is that people/friends tend to advise their broken hearted pals to simply walk away forget about him, he isn’t good for you, he doesn’t love you. But what they don’t stop to think about is what their friend really feels. The woman who made this quote went on to live her life as she advised her friend years after but she was never as happy as when “HE” was with her. She spent her life trying to bury those feelings in a life of partying, gambling, men and recreation. No one ever stops to think the feeling is real, so real it consumes you whether you wish to move on or not, it changes you, it affects you, and you are never ever the same after. Sure people will argue this is okay because something or someone better will come along but what if you don’t want someone else what if you can’t feel with someone else what you felt for “HIM” I wont lie and say I have only been in love once in my life but each time felt different and happened in different stages of my life. I have always been the type of person who never opens her heart unless she feels this person is worth taking that risk for. Each time I lend my heart to someone it gets harder and harder to keep taking it back. Each time feels more devastating than the last. I have loved four times in all my 27 years and I guess you can say that’s not bad considering some never find one. Unfortunately I am not more fortunate than someone who has never loved, for the times I have loved neither has loved me back, or I myself came to the realization that what I felt was not real love. Maybe what I am feeling now is my inability to want to let go. My brain says one thing but my heart disagrees. I have never had this conflict before. In the past it’s been quite simple. The first moved on to better pastures, the second wanted money and success more than love, and the third simply didn’t love at all. The fourth has hurt me beyond measure but not in the way that would make me want to forget him, in the way that my brain says he doesn’t want or love me the way I love him while my heart says he’s the “ONE” but simply isn’t ready to give you his whole heart. Never have I ever had this internal conflict about a man. It’s been easy in the past to turn and never look back. Which takes me back to the quote from the book, what’s wrong with waiting for that answer even if you die waiting? Not finding love again or being with another man again doesn’t mean you’ll never be happy again. There is more to life to be happy about than just being with someone. I don’t feel capable of ever loving another as much as I do “HIM”. It’s been a year and half since I met him and a month since we were bf/gf and still every time I see him he literally takes my breath away. My heart pounds and all I can think about is his embrace, his lips, his smile. I am in love with him still. Even after all the pain, all the crying, all the loneliness, that has come only in the times I couldn’t say he was mine or that he wasn’t a foot away from me, I am still hopelessly, madly, rationally in love with “HIM”. The thought or sight of even trying to be with someone else repulses me. I can’t even bare myself to go out with male friends, something I accustomed doing before as if it where part of a normal daily routine. I know there will come a day when life will seem less complicated and normal again; I need to figure out how to get back to better days, alone. Maybe life has something special in store for me maybe not, what matters is that I keep living my life and trying to find happiness in simplicity which is what I have known all along to make me the happiest.
-THE END-
Mr. Mood Swings
Dear Mr. Mood Swings,
I spoke to you once about all the things I loved about you and how I couldn't find anything I disliked. They haven't changed and since you are still skeptical about me saying there is nothing about you I dislike I am dedicating this letter to you. I don't remember the list word for word but I am certain your personality traits ranked very high on the list of things I love about you. Have you ever realized how different we are, especially when it comes to personality? I wonder sometimes who is the woman you or I (that was a joke but ill explain it later on). I also told you that everyday you surprise me in the most unconventional ways, which I may add I love too. I know this may sound odd but I love that everyday you are a different man. So I have made another list, a list of all the different sides of you and how each and everyone whether they be negative or positive are still special and I love em just the same. I feel sometimes that you forget that men and women are different and that words said a certain way can sound like something completely different to a man or a woman. As a man you may say something as a joke but a woman might understand it as a personal attack and therefore dislike you. In my case when you say something that, to me seems negative I don’t like to overreact letting that one negative thing outweigh every other time you are Mr. Nice guy, which explains why I never call you out when you think what you have done is inappropriate. I want you to understand something about me that whether you believe in these things or not are inherent in my personality and that is balance. I am a Libra and though it may sound a little loopy astrology does have some truths to it. I find balance in chaos. So even though your personality may appear chaotic to some, tough, vulnerable, sweet, mean, sassy, respectful, there is still balance in it. Patterns, I am sure you would agree, can be found anywhere and there is a pattern to you as well. Some days you can be very sweet and others very mean but the fact that you are neither for a long time indicates you cycle moods and thus you are balanced. I love your moods because they make me think differently every time. Just when I think you mean one thing it turns out you mean something completely different and if it turns out you are simply playing mind games then I have fallen hook, line, and sinker. Your powers of persuasion and argument are beyond those of any other I have ever met. Some times I think of you as that character is the movie "Thank you for smoking", you live by the code "That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong” and that in itself turns me on beyond words lol. I even feel like the reporter from the movie except my powers of seduction have no effect on you. So, I spoke about a list well here it is …
“The Many Moods of Mr. Mood Swing”…
1.)Sweet- surprise you listened when I told you about the chocolates and how special they were to me so you saved me two pieces and that was not only sweet to my mind but to my tummy lol and that is always a plus in my book.
2.) Mean- when you say phrases like “good luck with that” especial after I say something sweet to me is very mean. The phrase itself may seem hard enough but with certain things it is important to take into consideration the state and mood of the person you are directing the remark too. For example the phrase sorry homes to anyone else may seem to have mean-full connotations but to me it has an endearing connotation and though despite the mood I am in will always seem sweet and not mean.
3.) Aggravated, Annoyed- I often see this mood in you but it has never bothered me and certainly not a reason to dislike you. Aggravation is a natural mood of the stress we encounter simply for breathing. Anything and any one can aggravate us.
4.) Alone- I love that you enjoy alone time to yourself because this means I get time for me too and given my likes, being alone for the most part has never bothered me. I believe that sometimes couples get lost in each other when they try to do everything together, this is an idealistic attempt to be perfect and it never works. We all like and love different things you cannot force your mate into doing things he/she that by nature dislike. The feeling being alone can be reinvigorating for a couple for the most part. This is your man “cave” time, reflect, react, recharge.
5.) Apathetic/indifferent- out of all your moods this one probably affects me the most and it is one of your faces that I least understand but I still love. Apathy is one of the moods that for the worst part of my life consumed me so I know how mind numbing it can be to feel this way. You start to question why?, what’s wrong with me?, what’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with this picture?. No matter how much you spin these questions in your mind sometimes there just isn’t an answer but this is when another mood takes over and that is courage/bravery/strength at least in my case it did. I felt hopeless at one point, and hopelessness leads you to even worse moods like depression, and yes even suicide. That’s why I said courage and strength win for people who are strong willed. You are strong willed and I love that, I love that no matter how apathetic you can get you still care and you still love and you still have the common sense to do the right thing despite the outcome.
6.) Grumpy- call me crazy but I love your grumpy side. So what, I don’t get a kiss or a smile in the morning. No one is a morning person anyways, except me but I am special, and I discovered coffee at age 1 but it’s not about me it’s about you. Every time you get grumpy all I want to do is hug you and give you a hugs and kisses to warm your heart. This may piss you off more but I don’t care
7.) Playfulness- I love when you feel playful but this is another mood you must take care with because if I am not feeling playful it doesn’t work and I may react negatively to your playfulness, I suppose you can say this about any mood or better yet different simultaneously interacting moods lol. Like when you threw a piece of paper in my face or you handed me a napkin full of crap. I took this hurtfully but it was not your fault it was mine. When people expect certain things they often times get disappointed and that was the case this time. I had missed you all day and I was not having a good day despite it being my best friend’s bday. When I asked to be with you I expected a warm hug and a kiss…instead I was greeted with no kiss and a balled up napkin full of crap. Men or women are not mind readers and without communication these misunderstandings happen. I should have told you how I felt and maybe Mr. Sensitive would have understood and I would not have been greeted by Mr. Playful. So in conclusion though I am sure I could probably write a whole book about you Mr. Moods I will use your motto and say “if you argue correctly, you're never wrong” and so if you ever doubt that I love everything about you just read this again and hopefully amongst all the mumbo jumbo you’ll see why….they say love is unconditional, right?
I spoke to you once about all the things I loved about you and how I couldn't find anything I disliked. They haven't changed and since you are still skeptical about me saying there is nothing about you I dislike I am dedicating this letter to you. I don't remember the list word for word but I am certain your personality traits ranked very high on the list of things I love about you. Have you ever realized how different we are, especially when it comes to personality? I wonder sometimes who is the woman you or I (that was a joke but ill explain it later on). I also told you that everyday you surprise me in the most unconventional ways, which I may add I love too. I know this may sound odd but I love that everyday you are a different man. So I have made another list, a list of all the different sides of you and how each and everyone whether they be negative or positive are still special and I love em just the same. I feel sometimes that you forget that men and women are different and that words said a certain way can sound like something completely different to a man or a woman. As a man you may say something as a joke but a woman might understand it as a personal attack and therefore dislike you. In my case when you say something that, to me seems negative I don’t like to overreact letting that one negative thing outweigh every other time you are Mr. Nice guy, which explains why I never call you out when you think what you have done is inappropriate. I want you to understand something about me that whether you believe in these things or not are inherent in my personality and that is balance. I am a Libra and though it may sound a little loopy astrology does have some truths to it. I find balance in chaos. So even though your personality may appear chaotic to some, tough, vulnerable, sweet, mean, sassy, respectful, there is still balance in it. Patterns, I am sure you would agree, can be found anywhere and there is a pattern to you as well. Some days you can be very sweet and others very mean but the fact that you are neither for a long time indicates you cycle moods and thus you are balanced. I love your moods because they make me think differently every time. Just when I think you mean one thing it turns out you mean something completely different and if it turns out you are simply playing mind games then I have fallen hook, line, and sinker. Your powers of persuasion and argument are beyond those of any other I have ever met. Some times I think of you as that character is the movie "Thank you for smoking", you live by the code "That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong” and that in itself turns me on beyond words lol. I even feel like the reporter from the movie except my powers of seduction have no effect on you. So, I spoke about a list well here it is …
“The Many Moods of Mr. Mood Swing”…
1.)Sweet- surprise you listened when I told you about the chocolates and how special they were to me so you saved me two pieces and that was not only sweet to my mind but to my tummy lol and that is always a plus in my book.
2.) Mean- when you say phrases like “good luck with that” especial after I say something sweet to me is very mean. The phrase itself may seem hard enough but with certain things it is important to take into consideration the state and mood of the person you are directing the remark too. For example the phrase sorry homes to anyone else may seem to have mean-full connotations but to me it has an endearing connotation and though despite the mood I am in will always seem sweet and not mean.
3.) Aggravated, Annoyed- I often see this mood in you but it has never bothered me and certainly not a reason to dislike you. Aggravation is a natural mood of the stress we encounter simply for breathing. Anything and any one can aggravate us.
4.) Alone- I love that you enjoy alone time to yourself because this means I get time for me too and given my likes, being alone for the most part has never bothered me. I believe that sometimes couples get lost in each other when they try to do everything together, this is an idealistic attempt to be perfect and it never works. We all like and love different things you cannot force your mate into doing things he/she that by nature dislike. The feeling being alone can be reinvigorating for a couple for the most part. This is your man “cave” time, reflect, react, recharge.
5.) Apathetic/indifferent- out of all your moods this one probably affects me the most and it is one of your faces that I least understand but I still love. Apathy is one of the moods that for the worst part of my life consumed me so I know how mind numbing it can be to feel this way. You start to question why?, what’s wrong with me?, what’s wrong with her? What’s wrong with this picture?. No matter how much you spin these questions in your mind sometimes there just isn’t an answer but this is when another mood takes over and that is courage/bravery/strength at least in my case it did. I felt hopeless at one point, and hopelessness leads you to even worse moods like depression, and yes even suicide. That’s why I said courage and strength win for people who are strong willed. You are strong willed and I love that, I love that no matter how apathetic you can get you still care and you still love and you still have the common sense to do the right thing despite the outcome.
6.) Grumpy- call me crazy but I love your grumpy side. So what, I don’t get a kiss or a smile in the morning. No one is a morning person anyways, except me but I am special, and I discovered coffee at age 1 but it’s not about me it’s about you. Every time you get grumpy all I want to do is hug you and give you a hugs and kisses to warm your heart. This may piss you off more but I don’t care
7.) Playfulness- I love when you feel playful but this is another mood you must take care with because if I am not feeling playful it doesn’t work and I may react negatively to your playfulness, I suppose you can say this about any mood or better yet different simultaneously interacting moods lol. Like when you threw a piece of paper in my face or you handed me a napkin full of crap. I took this hurtfully but it was not your fault it was mine. When people expect certain things they often times get disappointed and that was the case this time. I had missed you all day and I was not having a good day despite it being my best friend’s bday. When I asked to be with you I expected a warm hug and a kiss…instead I was greeted with no kiss and a balled up napkin full of crap. Men or women are not mind readers and without communication these misunderstandings happen. I should have told you how I felt and maybe Mr. Sensitive would have understood and I would not have been greeted by Mr. Playful. So in conclusion though I am sure I could probably write a whole book about you Mr. Moods I will use your motto and say “if you argue correctly, you're never wrong” and so if you ever doubt that I love everything about you just read this again and hopefully amongst all the mumbo jumbo you’ll see why….they say love is unconditional, right?
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