"HE"

Disclaimer: I actually wrote this a while back but never posted so enjoy…

It’s been months since the last time I have written something. I guess if I look at my myspace page I ll see the last blog I wrote but, if memory serves me correctly the last time I wrote was right before “HE” asked me to be his girlfriend, right around March 28th 2008, one of the happiest moments of my life. People always argue that when happy moments happen they wont ever be your last, life if full of ups and downs. I can honestly say they are right except the sad part is that when you are extremely happy you know better to prepare yourself because sadness and tragedy aren’t far behind. All things end they say, it’s inherent in our genes seeing as we all die. I am hopelessly romantic enough to believe that death is not the final ending but that perhaps something far more magnificent awaits us. It always intrigues me to realize I only start to write when my soul feels a gaping whole, as if words on a page could somehow fill what can only be fixed by unconditional love. It’s always so difficult to write because the moment my fingers touch the keyboard I feel a rush of emotions that brings a flood of tears to my face. I was home last night watching movies, an ordinary night like any other but nights I enjoy simply doing the most simple things, only one key element was missing, the “HE” in my heart. It’s so hard to breath sometimes, even harder to move or think or fake a smile so that people don’t think your going mad and somehow you’re still human. I can sit all day playing every memory over and over in my mind and asking myself why? But the answer never comes. Instantly you wish you where a mind reader so that you could just take a peak and try to understand why “HE” doesn’t feel what you feel. It’s funny to me how often times characters in movies or even TV shows portray this sense of belonging together, this ultimate soul mate compatibility as if in some cosmic way your souls where meant to meet and live in this eternal love for one another. The best portrayal of this to me is the dynamic displayed by the main characters in the popular TV show "Bones". Though they are simply and un-complicatedly friends and partners of work they love, respect, and honor each other as though a greater bond existed. People always say it’s just a movie, its just TV, not real, but all these things come from one or a collective set of minds, human minds that feel and think and breathe; real people. If we as creative creature can make it real on a TV screen how can we not in real life? We’d be naive to say true love, or even eternal love, or even soul mates don’t exist. Why is it in real life we see more one-sided love than we do mutual love?…I am currently reading this novel about a young woman my age, who though she is a fictional character in a book is going threw many of the same life experiences I currently am or have had in the past. One particular quote caught my attentions as I read…”Don’t you see that, you stupid girl? You could spend your whole life hoping and believing! If a love affair is one-sided, then it’s only ever a question, never an answer. You can’t live your life waiting for an answer.” Now, simply reading this quote you may deduce that this person is trying to make her friend wake up and smell the roses; he’s just not that into you, right. But there is much more depth to this quote, for in it you can also sense a great pain in the person who said it, why you may ask, because she too fell in love with a man who for whatever reason was unable to return his feelings for her. Now what interests me about the quote so much is that people/friends tend to advise their broken hearted pals to simply walk away forget about him, he isn’t good for you, he doesn’t love you. But what they don’t stop to think about is what their friend really feels. The woman who made this quote went on to live her life as she advised her friend years after but she was never as happy as when “HE” was with her. She spent her life trying to bury those feelings in a life of partying, gambling, men and recreation. No one ever stops to think the feeling is real, so real it consumes you whether you wish to move on or not, it changes you, it affects you, and you are never ever the same after. Sure people will argue this is okay because something or someone better will come along but what if you don’t want someone else what if you can’t feel with someone else what you felt for “HIM” I wont lie and say I have only been in love once in my life but each time felt different and happened in different stages of my life. I have always been the type of person who never opens her heart unless she feels this person is worth taking that risk for. Each time I lend my heart to someone it gets harder and harder to keep taking it back. Each time feels more devastating than the last. I have loved four times in all my 27 years and I guess you can say that’s not bad considering some never find one. Unfortunately I am not more fortunate than someone who has never loved, for the times I have loved neither has loved me back, or I myself came to the realization that what I felt was not real love. Maybe what I am feeling now is my inability to want to let go. My brain says one thing but my heart disagrees. I have never had this conflict before. In the past it’s been quite simple. The first moved on to better pastures, the second wanted money and success more than love, and the third simply didn’t love at all. The fourth has hurt me beyond measure but not in the way that would make me want to forget him, in the way that my brain says he doesn’t want or love me the way I love him while my heart says he’s the “ONE” but simply isn’t ready to give you his whole heart. Never have I ever had this internal conflict about a man. It’s been easy in the past to turn and never look back. Which takes me back to the quote from the book, what’s wrong with waiting for that answer even if you die waiting? Not finding love again or being with another man again doesn’t mean you’ll never be happy again. There is more to life to be happy about than just being with someone. I don’t feel capable of ever loving another as much as I do “HIM”. It’s been a year and half since I met him and a month since we were bf/gf and still every time I see him he literally takes my breath away. My heart pounds and all I can think about is his embrace, his lips, his smile. I am in love with him still. Even after all the pain, all the crying, all the loneliness, that has come only in the times I couldn’t say he was mine or that he wasn’t a foot away from me, I am still hopelessly, madly, rationally in love with “HIM”. The thought or sight of even trying to be with someone else repulses me. I can’t even bare myself to go out with male friends, something I accustomed doing before as if it where part of a normal daily routine. I know there will come a day when life will seem less complicated and normal again; I need to figure out how to get back to better days, alone. Maybe life has something special in store for me maybe not, what matters is that I keep living my life and trying to find happiness in simplicity which is what I have known all along to make me the happiest.


-THE END-